When I think back to my 13-year-old self, I had DREAMS. The world was so full of possibility and I believed that whatever I could imagine I could live. Sometime between my freshman year of high school and now, I lost that belief in my vision. The details of how don’t really matter, but as I traveled the road of my life the DREAMS became dreams and then they became memories and somewhere along the way my focus became just getting through my day. It wasn’t pretty.
I didn’t give up. I didn’t quit trying. It’s more like I just lost my 13-year-old self knowledge of who I was a what I wanted. I bogged myself down with what I thought others expected of me. I had in my mind the picture of the perfect daughter/wife/mother/employee and strove daily to be that instead of just being myself. I’ve spent years trying to put together the puzzle of my life with pieces that have no business even being in the puzzle and have been frustrated beyond belief that no matter how hard I worked I just couldn’t see the picture. The puzzle just wouldn’t come together.
So, I just let go. I decided to let the puzzle work itself out. This wasn’t really a conscious decision as much as it was just me being at a total and complete loss as to how to make my life work. I just decided to be open to the possibility that it could work itself out.
It’s not easy. I’m still not sure where I’ll end up. For someone who has been as hands on as I am with my life it feels uncomfortable. But I have let go.
This video from Oprah really inspires me. I’ve watched it a dozen times and will watch it at least a dozen more. I heard her tell this story on her show and am glad she took the time to tell it again.
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150208910403934
To be honest, I find myself caring less and less about the end goal and what other people think about me, and that’s been really o.k. I have things I have to do every day and I get them done, but I’m also leaving room in my day to focus on what excites me.
Two interesting things are happening. The first is that as I become more engaged and more excited about the projects I’m taking on pieces of the puzzle are just coming together and people and information and opportunities are just kind of showing up on my doorstep. The second thing I’m finding is that these new obsessions are directly linked to my childhood and have been areas of interest throughout my life. The things I’m falling into now are the exact same things that excited me at 10 at 12 at 16 at 28 at 42. The passion has always been there. I just wasn’t paying attention.
I don’t know how all this will work out and for the first time in my life that’s ok. I’m going to be obsessed with my obsessions. I’m going to work hard everyday. But most important I’m going to let go of my goals and expectations and just be in a space where what needs to happen can happen.
I didn’t give up. I didn’t quit trying. It’s more like I just lost my 13-year-old self knowledge of who I was a what I wanted. I bogged myself down with what I thought others expected of me. I had in my mind the picture of the perfect daughter/wife/mother/employee and strove daily to be that instead of just being myself. I’ve spent years trying to put together the puzzle of my life with pieces that have no business even being in the puzzle and have been frustrated beyond belief that no matter how hard I worked I just couldn’t see the picture. The puzzle just wouldn’t come together.
"Sometimes the way back up is down." -Jack Donaghy
So, I just let go. I decided to let the puzzle work itself out. This wasn’t really a conscious decision as much as it was just me being at a total and complete loss as to how to make my life work. I just decided to be open to the possibility that it could work itself out.
It’s not easy. I’m still not sure where I’ll end up. For someone who has been as hands on as I am with my life it feels uncomfortable. But I have let go.
This video from Oprah really inspires me. I’ve watched it a dozen times and will watch it at least a dozen more. I heard her tell this story on her show and am glad she took the time to tell it again.
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150208910403934
To be honest, I find myself caring less and less about the end goal and what other people think about me, and that’s been really o.k. I have things I have to do every day and I get them done, but I’m also leaving room in my day to focus on what excites me.
Two interesting things are happening. The first is that as I become more engaged and more excited about the projects I’m taking on pieces of the puzzle are just coming together and people and information and opportunities are just kind of showing up on my doorstep. The second thing I’m finding is that these new obsessions are directly linked to my childhood and have been areas of interest throughout my life. The things I’m falling into now are the exact same things that excited me at 10 at 12 at 16 at 28 at 42. The passion has always been there. I just wasn’t paying attention.
I don’t know how all this will work out and for the first time in my life that’s ok. I’m going to be obsessed with my obsessions. I’m going to work hard everyday. But most important I’m going to let go of my goals and expectations and just be in a space where what needs to happen can happen.
Denise, thank you for sharing that video; I was sobbing by the end. I tell you what, I'm right there with you. I've worked as hard as I can work, done everything I know to do, and my life is still a jumbled mess. I'm not sure exactly how to do it - I am goal-driven by nature - but my way isn't working, and I think it's time to surrender. I am so glad we are traveling down this path together.
ReplyDeleteTesting?
ReplyDeleteLove this part and can identify with it totally:
ReplyDelete"The second thing I’m finding is that these new obsessions are directly linked to my childhood and have been areas of interest throughout my life. The things I’m falling into now are the exact same things that excited me at 10 at 12 at 16 at 28 at 42"
Linda, I can so see this in you and your work. You've always had such a strong vision and concise sense of who you are and it shows in everything you do.
ReplyDeleteSo. freaking. exciting. I'm a stranger but cheering for you. This is exactly the kind of spark the Internet is capable of resurrecting... and I just wanted to jump in and say yes, you're on the right track, I can feel it even through this wireless frame constructed all around us. Can't wait to see what unfolds from here.
ReplyDeleteTessa, thanks so much for you comments. I'm so excited by what the future will bring us.
ReplyDelete