Sunday, July 24, 2011

Letting Go

I don’t give up easy. I will admit that I hold on to people, situations, and dreams a little too long. I value what I have in my life and when it starts to go well, wrong, I’m inclined to look for solutions. Even when it is no longer loving, supportive, or healthy, I’ll roll up my sleeves and try to make it work. I’m that kind of girl. I have to be FORCED to let go.

The up side is that I sometimes do make it work and there is a thrill to knowing you faced down great odds and turned a dire situation into something positive and successful. The downside is that this success often (at least for me) comes with a huge personal price tag draining me and taking resources that would have better applied elsewhere. And if I’m not able to work it out? Well, the loss when you’ve given so much energy to something is devastating.

So, that’s my issue. At what point do I just need to let go?

I watched this video by Julie Morgenstern a few weeks back and it made me cry happy/sad tears. Sad tears because I realized how much my holding on had robbed me of time that could have been so much better spent on not only things that are essential to my soul’s health and well being, but also of time that could have been better spent loving and caring for my husband and children. Happy tears because it made me realize that maybe there is hope for me yet.

So my total focus these past few weeks has been letting go. Right now I’m letting go of the physical stuff. I’m not a pack rat, but I’m combing each room and really questioning the value of every single book, pillow, shoe, and paper. I’m throwing the trash in the can where it belongs and donating the unused and no longer loved.

My hope for myself is that as I move forward I’ll be able to let go of the other stuff too: the heartbreak, the disappointment, the unhealthy, the unproductive, and the just no longer necessary. And maybe, if I’m really lucky, I’ll be better able to recognize a little sooner when it’s time to just let go.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

One Bite at a Time

Every time I feel the anxiety welling up inside me as I contemplate all I want and need to do, I remind myself that to eat an elephant you must do it one bite at a time. This thought helps, for a moment.

I quit a job I loved over a year ago, so that I could create the life I wanted. I've done a lot this past year. I've made some changes, had some success, and suffered more disappointment and heart ache then I cared to suffer. I'm trying to embrace the lessons and learn them well so that I will make better choices in the future.

Most important, I'm trying to stick to my original goal of living a balanced life and being my true authentic self. It has not been easy. Taking care of myself is a challenge as I struggle to incorporate workouts, prayer, and time for self reflection into my each and everyday. It's so much easier to busy myself with work / family / commitments. Speaking my truth, standing up for what I believe in, and doing what I know to be right is a struggle as I would rather cower in the cave of my past and just go along with the crowd. It's so much easier.

Most important I'm trying to be supportive: to myself. A new concept for me. Change will come. I have to do things different and I have to keep moving forward even when it's easier to settle back into my old patterns and habits.