My Heart's Desire

The kids go back to school tomorrow and it’s feeling kind of bittersweet. We did a lot, but SO much is left undone. In May, I made lists and looked for fun things to occupy our time and now in August with the last hours of summer break slipping away, I realize that we didn’t even scratch the surface. The best part of this summer was the unstructured time and just hanging with the kids. We lazed, a lot. I think we all needed it. Sometimes not having to be on a schedule is a gift.

There will be no more sleeping in until 7:00. I’ll be up at 5:30. No more morning drop-offs and pick-ups for cross country practice or taking kids to meet friends at all times. I’ll own the hours from 6:30 until 2:30.

While I’ll miss seeing them during the day, I’m a bit excited by the idea of 8 uninterrupted hours. I’m a morning person and having a block like this when I’m most productive is a bit of a gift. I don’t want to squander it. I’m making plans.

I have a basic idea of how I’ll structure my time. I just need to make a decision on what I'll focus my energy. I’ve spent most of my life looking for the things that will make me feel satisfied and despite all the effort satiation hasn’t occurred. I’ve been a bit like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz looking outside of myself for a place where there isn’t any trouble.

“Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
A way above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me”

I know...wishful thinking, but that’s been the dream and I’ve spent many years trying to find the right combination of “things” to push all the troubles away. If I give my family my undivided attention, find the right job, have the right career, weigh the correct amount, run a certain time, cook the most nutritious meal, wear the right shoes, buy the softest duvet, be the best daughter, then and only then will I feel that sense of balance and satisfaction that I crave.

Looking outside myself hasn’t worked.

At the end of the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy who has helped her friends realize their dreams is left stranded in Oz by the Wizard who had promised to take her home. In desperation, Dorothy asks Glinda for help.

‪

Like Dorothy there’s no person or thing that can help me find “my hearts desire.” I have to find it for myself. Maybe I should use some of those 8 uninterrupted hours to hang out in “my own backyard” and get to know my own heart a bit better. It couldn’t hurt. I have the power. I just need to make the commitment and take the time.